“A Game of Inches” – TFC Fantasy Football Humor Column – Week 15

TFC: Welcome to the playoffs, AWFL fans. Wow. What a finish. Never has the old cliché “it’s a game of inches” been more true than last Monday night.

To make sense of it all, I’d like to introduce Dr. Melanie Weiss, explorer and psychoanalyst, whose study of over 800 penises belonging to men on Bagration Island is considered a classic in the field of ethnopeosography.

Dr. Weiss: It’s great to be here, TFC.

TFC: Now Dr. Weiss, I understand from your research that success at fantasy football closely correlates with penis size.

Dr. Weiss: Not at all, TFC. It does, however, correlate with certain easy to observe characteristics in the male face and hands. For example, looking at you TFC, I can easily tell that you have a …

[TFC pulls out several hundred dollar bills and stuffs them in the pocket of Dr. Weiss lab coat.]

Dr. Weiss: … a 14-inch example of stunning male virility.

TFC: Yes I do! And that correlates with fantasy football success?

[Dr. Weiss looks deliberately doubtful. TFC produces several more hundred dollar bills and adds them to Dr. Weiss’ pocket.]

Dr. Weiss: Absolutely.

TFC: And this is founded on solid science.

Dr. Weiss: The best science the fantasy football lobbying industry can buy.

TFC: We know that’s good! So the Willys, the other division winner, who scored 95 fewer total points but has a better record than the Petes, would also have a lot to be proud of.

Dr. Weiss: Yes. By my calculations, exactly 12 inches, which would make any man on Bagration Island a tribal chief. Except of course, we have to divide that measurement between the Willys’ two owners. Which gives you. Well. Considerably less.

TFC: Good thing there’s not three of them.

Dr. Weiss: Tee-hee! Down in that range it’s hardly worth the bother.

TFC: I wouldn’t know. Well, let’s get to the summary:

To become Annapolis division champ, all Fuboozers had to do was score 51 points to the Chip Chompers 50. Instead, the mighty Fuboozers tied the Chompers, then lost the tie-breaker because his Bears defense allowed 21 points and the Chomp D allowed 20. Yikes! We know Fuboozers is a clean-living guy. Why is the world against him?

Dr. Weiss: That’s not a game of inches, that’s a game of microns.

TFC: The good news, if you want to call it that, is Fuboozers made the playoffs rather than Rebels because he exceeded the Rebs’ total scoring by 1 point. Wranglers missed the playoffs by a mere 8 points in total scoring versus Fuboozers. That’s as close as it gets.

Dr. Weiss: Let’s talk about that hot three-way in Annapolis.

TFC: I really wish you wouldn’t think about it like that. The three best teams in Annapolis all finished 8-6. The Petes won the division by a mere two points in total scoring over the Handsome Men – also a ridiculously close finish.

The only guys that ran away with their wins are The Willys and the Muskrats, who both finished 10-4. But it’s hard to call those wins “runaways” considering all the 8-6 team outscored them by 50 to 100 points. But that’s how the AWFL yardstick flops over.

Dr. Weiss: So who’s going to win this week in Fuboozers vs Muskrats and Handsome Ones versus Team Big G?

TFC: I don’t even know and I ain’t gonna discuss it. Have you seen how freakin’ wrong my predictions have been all year? And after last week, forget it.

Dr. Weiss: Failure to make predictions will greatly reduce the size of your …

TFC: Column. Thank you, Dr. Weiss. Great to have you!

“Say Anything” | TFC 2012 Week 9

The AWFL League is a swing voting block!  Governor Romney paid TFC a visit last week. It’s going to be a long night, so you might as well read it.

TFC: Welcome to Week 9, AWFL fans. TFC is pleased to introduce his special tag team guest hosts. On my left, let’s welcome under-appreciated actor John Cusack.

Cusack: Hello AWFL League!

TFC: And on my right [sic], Mitt “Mittens” Romney.

Romney: Oh my goodness, look at all you wonderful fantasy-football type people. I mean, I’ve been a fan of the AWFL League for years. I’ve loved you guys for years.

TFC: No you haven’t. You hadn’t even heard of us until f*%k!ng today. And if Obama weren’t down at the Jersey Shore, clearing storm damage with his bare … I mean his bare … f*%k!ng hands – totally CGIed, by the way, he’s actually sipping white wine in Berkeley with a bunch of socialist transsexual illegal-alien crypto-Muslims who have mailed in 23 absentee ballots EACH for the Obam-ba-nator (which the media is totally covering up, despite the fact, you know, they are bleeding money while you’ve got billionaire anonymous donors funding massive ad buys, how does that work as a conspiracy? but I digress) – you wouldn’t even be here.

Romney: I’d like to set the record straight and make sure that you know I’m responsible for Detroit’s turn-around plus The Willys’ uncanny success.

TFC: Uh boy. Let me take this first one John.

The Willys (7-1) at Handsome Guys (5-3)
Guru: 72-65 Handsome Dudes

Okay, TFC is a nice guy. TFC is a fair guy. TFC is an objective guy. But The Willys’ win last week was complete f*%k!ng b@l!$h*t. He’s got 3 big guns on Bye and he still squeaks out a 32-30 win over the Snakes to go 7-1?

So, TFC is totally macking (whoa, that didn’t come out right) for the Guys this week, even though TFC is fighting tooth and nail with the Guys for a playoff spot. And we’d say it was a total lock, with Antonio Gates playing against KC, except last week Gates got 14 yards against Cleveland, which … you know … how do you do that?

Romney: I love Ohio. I was born and raised in Ohio. I sired all my children in Ohio. I need Ohio like Lady Gaga needs…

Cusack: DO NOT SHARE!

TFC: Anyhow, both these guys are at full strength. But we want Les Hommes de Beaux to win so bad this week we are willing to give them the “guaranteed to win” endorsement that usually goes to Team G. Take it Cusack!

Team Barbecue (4-4) at The Petes (5-3)
Guru: 72-49 Petes

Romney: Wait, I’m still talking here.

TFC: Take it Cusack.

Cusack: The 4-4 Team BBZ are an excellent example of regression toward the mean. After 8 weeks, AWFL League records are less subject to random fluctuation and more likely to resemble other statistical measures of performance.

Romney: Say, effete emoting guy did his homework.

TFC: He sure did.

Cusack: The BBQ got a Power Rank of 7 and other stats that put them right in the middle. 4 and 4 is all square. The Petes meanwhile moved to 5-3 last week after a respectable win over an under-performing Rebels – who definitely are still subject to random fluctuations.

Anyhow, with the BBQ needing to start Matt Cassel this week, and the Petes basically at full strength – but Eli Manning better muster more than -1 against the Steelers – I’d say the Petes are going to have more fun than I had filming “Hot Tub Time Machine” and fellas, I had some fun.

Romney: Paul Ryan told me, as a young man, he shared a hot tub with Ayn Rand once, who reached out and took him by the…

Cusack: DO NOT SHARE.

Raiders (4-4) at Chompers (3-5)
Guru: 67-65 Chompers

TFC: Okay, Mittens, this one is yours.

Romney: Thank you, TFC. I appreciate you inviting me. I’ve often hunted small critters, varmints if you will, like you. Small game. I’ve got a little rifle.

Cusack: So we hear from Al Franken.

Romney: Anyhow, the experts are predicting a narrow Chompers victory, but you know, the experts are egghead spastic mick-wonk-a-trons all with guaranteed jobs for life at publicly funded colleges and don’t you know I’ll be balancing the budget by cutting them off.

TFC: You go girl.

Romney: Also, the eggheads are predicting a Chompers victory based on Newton playing better than Ryan and Shady McCoy lighting up the N’Arleans defense, which I admit is even less effective than Obama’s foreign policy. But the Eagles are so weak they make the US military under Obama look strong, and with every green bird from Vick to the O line to the defense … ah, what is the technical term?

TFC: Sucking like the be-jesus?

Romney: Oh my goodness! Can I say that? I don’t think I can say that.

TFC: Performing like the economy under Obama?

Romney: Oh yes, my goodness. Bingo! Or as the kids say today, Yahtzee!

TFC: I need a drink.

Romney: Ah, so the Eagles aren’t going to help McCoy do what he can do. Meanwhile, the Raiders are coming off an impressive 68-62 win over Fuboozers and looking strong for this week. I’m taking the Raiders to win in Ohio.

Cusack: Virginia.

TFC: Colorado.

Romney: Those too!

Team Big Government (4-4) at The Aces (1-7)
Guru: 54-54 Tie

TFC: Wow, this is the week where TFC’s guarantee of a Team Big G victory might actually happen, and he spent his guarantee on the Guys. Now what? How are we going to spin this?

Romney: I can united the AWFL League, reach across the aisle, and work with everyone together!

Cusack: Anything you say is going to sound reasonable after that, TFC.

TFC: So the block-buster Romo for Flacco and Moss trade is going to position the Aces to … ah, what the f*&k? Ah whole lotta more losing. Look, the Aces are last in every category and measure. Team Big G is 4-4 in every measure, like Team BBQ. These are two teams where all the numbers add up and make sense.

Romney: That’s a socialist conspiracy according to my advisors.

TFC: So, we’ll say the Aces because we promised and honestly, they do deserve a break. Cusack, get cracking!

Peach State Rebels (4-4) at Spicy Snakes (2-6)
Guru: 62-59 Snakes

Cusack: The 4-4 Rebels have definitely got some sketchy butterfly-ballot action going on this year. They got above-average stats but a mediocre record, and they picked a bad week to come up short on points, losing a game to the Petes who are contending for the same wild-card spots they are.

Meanwhile, the Snakes have to be kicking themselves harder for losing to The Willys 32-30 than I kicked myself for doing “Con Air”.

Romney: But youse gots paid, Cusackie. Dem serpents got nuthin’.

Cusack: True dat. However, why are you speaking that way?

Romney: My advisors tell me I need to appeal to the “diversity” vote.

TFC: Uh boy.

Cusack: Gurutron is calling it for the Snakes, with Jackson coming up empty and no bench players to replace him doing in the Rebels. But the Snakes have blown it too many times, and the Rebels deserve a win, so we’re taking them.

TFC: Okay, this one’s mine. Then Mittens gets the last word.

Wranglers (3-5) at Fuboozers (6-2)
Guru: 65-53 Wranglers

TFC: Let’s hear it for WRRRRANNNNNGGGGLLLEERS! Oh yeah, baby! So last week, we said Wranglers had no chance. No chance at all. I mean, less chance than Gary Johnson has of being president. And how did the Wranglers respond. Did they whine?

Romney & Cusack: No!

TFC: Did they complain?

Romney & Cusack: No!

TFC: Did they say the League owed them a win because they are victims?

Romney & Cusack: No!

TFC: That’s right. Those rose up, got 14 m@thaf*%kin points from Crabtree … Crabtree! … got 19 from Smith, took the Guys to the house, and STOMPED-STOMPED-STOMPED all over the Handsome Boys.

Now the Gurutron is predicting a victory against the mighty Fuboozers and we think Wranglers can do it. Big King Dong has got a ton of players on Bye, so unless he can get a monster game out of his Bears D – always a possibility, as we well know – we think the Texans can take one and turn the Annapolis division into a hot three-way for first place.

Romney: Woah, that didn’t come out right.

TFC: I’ll say. Okay, Mittens, last word is yours.

Muskrats (5-3) at Thunder (3-5)
Guru: 65-60 Thunder

Romney: AWFL League, good to be with you. I’m optimistic about the future. I’m excited about our prospects as a nation. I want to see peace. I want to see growing peace in this country. It’s our objective.

We have an opportunity to have real leadership. America’s going to have that kind of leadership and continue to promote principles of peace to make a world a safer place and make people in this country more confident that their future is secure. I also want to make sure that we get this economy going. And there are two very different paths the country can take. One is a path represented by the president, which at the end of four years would mean we’d have $20 trillion in debt heading towards Greece. I’ll get us on track to a balanced budget.

The president’s path will mean continuing declining in take-home pay. I want to make sure our take-home pay turns around and starts to grow.

The president’s path will mean continuing declining in take-home pay. I want to make sure take-home pay turns around and starts to grow. The president’s path means 20 million people out of work struggling for a good job. I’ll get people back to work with 12 million new jobs.

I’m going to make sure that we get people off of food stamps, not by cutting the program, but by getting them good jobs.

America’s going to come back, and for that to happen, we’re going to have to have a president who can work across the aisle. I was in a state where my legislature was 87 percent Democrat. I learned how to get along on the other side of the aisle. We’ve got to do that in Washington. Washington is broken. I know what it takes to get this country back, and will work with good Democrats and good Republicans to do that.

This nation is the hope of the earth. We’ve been blessed by having a nation that’s free and prosperous thanks to the contributions of the greatest generation. They’ve held a torch for the world to see — the torch of freedom and hope and opportunity. Now, it’s our turn to take that torch. I’m convinced we’ll do it.

We need strong leadership. I’d like to be that leader with your support. I’ll work with you. I’ll lead you in an open and honest way, and I ask for your vote. I’d like to be the next president of the United States to support and help this great nation and to make sure that we all together remain America as the hope of the earth.

Thank you so much.

TFC: Hey, what about the Muskrats and Thunder?

Romney: Oh my goodness, say, golly look at that … I’m out of time and how is it you say it? What’s the technical term? Oh, yes. F*&k ‘em.

“Reason versus Superstition” – TFC 2011 Week 3 (Archival)

In honor of the election, we’ve gone into our vaults and are broadcasting a highly rated show from last year. It is a fiercely debated philosophical and theological issue whether being picked by TFC to win causes you to lose.  This is popularly known as the “TFC Curse”. Enjoy!

[As the lights come up on the new Koch Brothers memorial studio, TFC appears sitting with two men. The first has fair, shoulder-length hair and is dressed in green velvet coat with a lace neck-cloth. The second is a red-faced man in a John Deere cap who is scratching his temple with the biggest God-damned hand-cannon TFC has ever seen.]

TFC: Welcome to Week 3 AWFL League fans. I am delighted to have two guest commentators here to debate the merits of Reason versus Superstition. On my right is Bud Sweet, treasurer of the Shamokin, Pennsylvania Tea Party Patriots.

BUD: Great to be here, TFC.

TFC: And on my left is François-Marie Arouet Voltaire, author, historian, philosopher, and avatar of the French Enlightenment.

VOLTAIRE: Bonjour, TFC. Je suis bien content d’etre ici aujourd’hui.

TFC: Oh s***. Do you only speak French?

VOLTAIRE: Bien sur, espece de con Americain.

TFC: But you seem to understand what I’m saying.

[Voltaire shrugs.]

[TFC over his shoulder.] Quick, get that translator in here.

[A bright gold robot hurries with jerky strides into the studio.] ROBOT: Hello, sir! I am fluent in more than 6 million forms of communication as well as –“

TFC: Stick it, shiny butt and just tell me what Frenchie there is saying. Okay, let’s get it going with …

TEAM BIG GOVERNMENT (0-2) at THE WILLYS (2-0)

GURU: 51-43 Willys

TFC: Wow, talk about proof the TFC Curse is nothing but superstition. Not only does Team Big G lose when he predicted the Curse guaranteed him victory, but he replaces Ryan (who scores 22 points on the bench) with McNabb (who scores 1 on the field). I mean, normally you have to pay a woman in leather to get the kind of punishment Team Big G is taking. Right, Voltaire?

VOLTAIRE: Oui. Oh la la.

BUD: The TFC Curse is solid science. It works. That’s why the Petes lost to Team Big Government.

[TFC glances around uncertainly.] But the Petes beat Team Big G. And Team Big G’s chances against a red-hot Willys look pretty small.

VOLTAIRE/ROBOT: Yes, it’s clear the Willys will win and the TFC Curse is nothing but superstition, like other dearly held fancies. Such as intelligent design. Or the genius of an unregulated free market. Or keeping children ignorant of sex prevents them from having it. And so on.

[BLAM! The gold robot’s head explodes, sending pieces of metal and electronics flying everywhere. The acrid smell of gun powder fills the studio.]

BUD: Looks like the Curse works just fine. Team Big G wins.

TFC: I agree.

VOLTAIRE: Moi aussi.

TFC: Somebody get another translator. Up next, let’s discuss…

FUBOOZERS (1-1) at THE WRANGLERS (2-0)

GURU: 58-47 Fuboozers

[A shiny silver robot hurries into the studio, looks around, exclaims “We’re all doomed!”, and tries to leave again.]

TFC: Get your tin-foiled Fruit-of-the-Looms back in here! [The robot returns reluctantly.] Jesus. Okay, Voltaire, what do you think of this match-up?

VOLTAIRE/ROBOT: Incredible. Scoring in the AWFL League has exploded. [Voltaire looks at the pile of gold metal by his chair.] Perhaps I should choose another word. In any case, you can’t count on winning with 55 – 60 points anymore. These are two good teams. But with Fuboozers’ incredible performance last week, his match-ups, and the Wranglers likely losing Austin, I’m picking Fuboozers to win.

BUD: I don’t like Fuboozers. His name sounds foreign. The “Wranglers”. Now that’s American. Wranglers will win.

TFC: I am 100% with Bud.

VOLTAIRE/ROBOT: Us too.

TFC: How about we let Bud take the lead on this one.

THE MIGHTY MUSKRATS (2-0) at THE CHIP CHOMPERS (0-2)

GURU: 57-47 Muskrats

BUD: “Chip Chompers” huh? So this guy inhales illegal substances then chows down on snack food. That explains his record. They’re a bunch of fat stoners with no ambition who hate America. People in my town – Shamokin people – don’t do that. Shamokin people don’t like that. Shamokin people know what to do when they meet people like the Chompers.

TFC: I’m sure the name “Chompers” isn’t a drug reference and I’m sure the Chompers don’t use drugs. I’m sure your Shamokin neighbors don’t either.

VOLTAIRE/ROBOT: Mr. Bud Sweet makes a good point, TFC. A good point, yes? Okay? Yes, fine.

BUD: On the other hand, the “Mighty” Muskrats sound like some kinda north-of-the-border socialists. Only in Obama’s American could socialists score 71 points in real football. I don’t like these teams.

TFC: Well, the Muskrats’ Power Ranking is 5 and the Chompers’ is 12. The Muskrat’s RB McCoy is hot and the Chompers RB Grant is cold. So, we can take the Muskrats, maybe. That sound right?

BUD: Yeah, I guess so.

TEAM BARBECUE (2-0) at FOUR ACES (1-1)

GURU: 55-43 Aces

TFC: Here’s clear proof the TFC Curse works! Right, Bud?

BUD: Oh you betcha.

TFC: Team BBQ believe in the Curse and they are 2-0 with the #1 Power Ranking. Losing Jamaal Charles for the season is also proof the Curse works, though I’m not sure exactly how.

But I don’t understand Team B trading Brady because they need “depth”. Brady scored 53 points in two weeks and Team B trade him for “depth”?

BUD: I agree. It’s like having the Marcellus Shale underneath 50 square miles of pristine State forest and trading it for some god-damned wind farm run by a bunch of hippies in Vermont.

TFC: So, what’s all this prove?

VOLTAIRE/ROBOT: It proves you can be wrong – I mean right – about the Curse and not suck if you are not Team Big Government. But it doesn’t stop you from being an idiot. BBQ loses.

BUD: Amen, Frenchie.

THUNDER (0-2) at HANDSOME GUYS (0-2)

GURU: 53-52 Thunder

BUD: Say, TFC, do you love the Constitution the way that I love the Constitution? [Bud asks this question while gesturing vaguely at TFC with the hand cannon.]

TFC: I do. I do. I really do!

BUD: Good. Why doesn’t Frenchie talk about the Handsome Guys while I eat this piece of Elk jerky.

VOLTAIRE/ROBOT: The Guys made smart adjustments and rebounded strongly from their disappointing Week 1. Unfortunately, their 67 points wasn’t enough against the mighty BBQ – definitive, logical, incontrovertible, absolute, biblical proof that the Curse works.

[Bud Sweet looks suspicious and the silver robot oils himself with fear.]

TFC: Eeew.

VOLTAIRE/ROBOT: The Thunder have had a tough time too. Scoring 53 and 49 points is respectable but not enough to succeed. One of these teams will get a win finally. I’m going with Guru and picking the Guys.

EVIL PETES (2-0) at REBELS (0-2)

GURU: 56-47 Petes

BUD: The Evil Petes are proof The Devil walks the earth.

VOLTAIRE/ROBOT: Oh come now, The Devil is nothing but … a … a … myth?

[Two men clad in white plastic armor walk in and look at Voltaire. “Mr. Koch and Mr. Koch want to speak to you.” They grab Voltaire and drag him off.]

VOLTAIRE: Non. Non. Aieee! Sacre bleu!

ROBOT: I’m getting out of here.

BUD: I never did like that Frenchie.

TFC: So, Bud, I totally agree. The Pete’s 2-0 start. Their #3 Power Ranking. The Rebels 0-2 start and poor point total and the fact they play the Petes. All of it proves the Petes are in malicious league with Lucifer. I mean, he worships him. Look at his mascot, for Christ’ sake. The Petes love-worship Evil from the Pit of Hell. So, hey, what do we do?

BUD: I got the Daggers of Meggido out in my truck. After the show, what say you and me hunt down the Petes like a dog and put some air holes in that satanic son-of-a-b****.

TFC: I’m with you! Rebels definitely win.

SNAKES (2-0) at DARTH VADER RAIDERS (0-2)

GURU: 57-45 Snakes

TFC: I’m not feeling so good, Bud. Can you finish up?

BUD: Why are the Snakes going to win? Because when that dog-fightin’ felon Vick goes down, they’ve got a white-hot Harvard pretty boy to plug in at QB. Their RBs are white hot. Hell, they’re white hot up and down the line. Against them, the Raiders are looking a step behind. And all those red crosses in his line-up aren’t good. I like that young kid in Detroit he’s got for QB, although maybe the Raiders play Big Ben against the imploding Colts. That’s it.

TFC: Yes, thankfully.

BUD: Can I shoot that lame-stream-media camera with my hand cannon now?

TFC: Did you say “camera” or “cameraman”?

BUD: “Camera.”

TFC: Okay then. Sure, why not? Fire in the hole!

BLAM.

Weird Fantasy Football Cross-Dressing Hedgehog Stuff | TFC 2012 Week 6

* TFC apologizes. He’s a little behind on his posts.

TFC: Welcome to Week 6, AWFL fans. Can you believe last period? The Muskrats score 14. The Willys score 23. The Raiders blow up another strong Rebels week with 83 points. Fuboozer stomps all over the – inevitable – future League champs and also scores 83. The Thunder screw themselves at QB and still sneak past the Guys Tres Beaux. This has to be the weirdest sh%t TFC has ever seen.

[Suddenly, a large hedgehog, carrying a whip and wearing a gold lamé skirt and fruit headdress, lumbers onto the stage and sits down in the empty chair next to TFC.]

TFC: Who the f*%k are you?

HEDGEHOG: I’m Reginald.

TFC: I beg your pardon. Let me revise and extend my question. What the f*%k are you?

REGINALD: I’m an anthropomorphic, pre-operative, cross-dressing mammal of the subfamily Erinaceinae and the order Erinaceomorpha. Specifically, I’m one of the Erinaceus europaeus occidentalis introduced into New Zealand in the 1870s. Do you like my rack? I got implants.

TFC: It’s covered with spines.

REGINALD: You hurt my feelings, TFC.

TFC: Uh huh. And the whip there?

REGINALD: It symbolizes the random punishment the football gods are raining down on the AWFL League.

TFC: Okay, no f*%king way. No. F*%king. Way. I’ve made the League put up with a lot of weird sh#t over the years. But I’m not making them put up with this. Hard as it is to believe, even I have standards.

[Reginald looks at TFC placidly.]

TFC: Get my contact at Lovin’ Romo LTD on the phone. No way is this in my production agreement.

[A chat window pops up in which the League commissioner appears. “TFC’s contract with the League leaves the choice of guest host entirely at the discretion of the League and their production partner, Lovin’ Romo LTD.” The chat window disappears.]

TFC [yelling at the air]: F*%king lawyers. I’ll get you for this Commish! How much did the hedgehog pay you?

COMMISH [voice disembodied]: I’m 0-5. I’m gonna do what I want.

TFC [glaring at the hedgehog]: You touch me with that whip and I’m going to kick your b&tt.

REGINALD [cracking the whip an itty bitty eensy weensy tiny bit]: Ooooh. Please!

TFC: Okay. The League wants you to do the show? Go for it.

Team Big Government (3-2) at The Rebels (2-3)
Guru: 70-70 Tie

Reginald: Last week, Team Big G must have had their eyes of the dancing dryads, rather than the football, because they got their play-off bound a*%es kicked by the mighty Fuboozers and his apparently unstoppable Chicago D.

Meanwhile, the Rebels scored above 60 for the second week in a row and lost for the second week in a row. The Rebels are arguably the best team on stats – best breakdown, a mere 13 points back from the leader in scoring, The Petes – but they still have a losing record.

Can The Rebels turn it around? By all rights, I’d say “yes” because the Rebels deserve justice, but my little whip here says the football gods don’t believe in justice, and a rider in my guest agreement requires me to pick the play-off bound Team Big G.

Both these teams are at full strength and will bring the pain Sunday. But I think the Rebels will score above 60 and lose again. Sorry Rebs.

TFC: Well, you know that was perfectly acceptable. You did your homework.

Spicy Snakes (1-4) at The Four Aces (0-5)
Guru: 66-57 Snakes

Reginald: This is more like midget mud-wrestling than a football game. I mean, I’d like to be nice, but what do I say?

The Aces have scored 49, 19, 31, 58, and 36. That’s how a team gets to be 0-5 – regardless of how many points are scored against them, and to be honest, a ton of points have been. But the Aces haven’t had bad luck. They’ve just been bad.

The Snakes have rung up 36, 59, 49, 79, and 21 – for a total of 244 versus 301 scored against them, second to only the Rebels in strength of opponent. This makes them more like a 2-3 team than a 1-4, but that’s how they cook gumbo in the AWFL League.

Gurutron is taking the Snakes and I agree. Typical Snakes bad is gonna beat typical Aces bad any day of the week.

TFC: You were probably kinder than I would have been.

Lone Star Wranglers (2-3) at Team Barbeque (2-3)
Guru: 56-54 Wranglers

Reginald: The Wranglers are a “suck and luck” team. Their only convincing win was a 72-67 victory over the Rebels. Last week the beat the Muskrats 38-14. They’ve lost with scores of 45, 39, and 40. As they should.

The funny thing about the Wranglers is … you look at his team, and my little hedgehog brain thinks it should be pretty good. Aside from Moe-sucki, he’s solid up and down the line.

The BBQs have the same overall record but have done a little better. They’ve lost with 57, lost with 35, won with 53, lost with 60, and won with 29. They could as easily be a 3-2 team, like a lot of teams. It’s still early enough in the year that one or two good or bad bounces can put you way ahead or way behind. Sometimes the little magic pixie whip cracks for you. Sometimes it doesn’t.

I’m going to give my whip a little extra shake and say the Wranglers comes around, with his key players matched against weaker defenses, and grabs himself a winning record this week.

TFC: Other than the whip shaking, that was a solid review.

Darth Vader Raiders (2-3) at The Handsome Guys (3-2)
Guru: 69-65 Raiders

Reginald: I think the Guys must have been very naughty boys to have that run of luck. Last week, they lost 62-61 to the Thunder. The week before, 61-55 to the Petes. These are tough losses from a decent team, but the Handsome Boys are where they should be.

I have to say the same for the Raiders. They may even be a game ahead. They sure deserved their 3 losses, in any case. It was nice to see them run off 83 points on a big win last week, and Gurutron thinks they can keep it up, with their QB Ryan (the #2 point generator in the League at present) playing Oakland while Rodgers and the Pack take on Houston.

Personally, I think the Guys will take it. But I’m a little nervous. Sometimes bad luck moves into your house and drinks all your beer, Guys Way Handsome, and I feel there are still a few cans of Bud Light left in your fridge.

Muskrats (4-1) at The Willys (4-1)
Guru: 68-57 The Willys

Reginald: These teams are so much alike they should get matching outfits. The Muskrats and The Willys are two previously perfect teams, that got along with consistent scoring and a poor performances from their opponents, that both lost last week because they absolutely stank, although The Willy’s 23 looks good against the Muskrat’s season low 14, that have the same record, that are tied for first in the Baltimore, and that now play each other.

One is going to grab sole possession of first place. Which one? All the numbers point to The Willys, so that’s who I’m going with, although Muskrats are WAY my type.

TFC: We really didn’t need to know that, Reg.

Fuboozers (4-1) at The Thunder (3-2)
Guru: 66-51 Thunder

Reginald: There is Fuboozers, sitting at the top of the Annapolis Division. King of his domain. Surveying his vast lands and holdings. Enjoying his divine rights. But who is that right below him? The pesky Petes, shadowing his steps, haunting his dreams, lurking 6 points ahead and 1 game back, waiting, waiting silently, looking for his opportunity, keeping his eyes open for the bead of sweat to come trickling down from beneath the crown.

How does Fuboozers stay #1? Keep winning of course. But Fuboozers is all Brees and Bears D, and Brees and the Bears are both on Bye.

Which means bye-bye to winning this week, Fuboozers because the Thunder ain’t pushovers. In fact, the Thunder and you are both gonna be 4-2 come Monday night, which means you’ll have more to worry about than just the Petes. (Who – spoiler alert! – are going to lose.)

TFC: I admire your even-handedness.

Chip Chompers (2-3) at The Petes (3-2)
Guru: 72-55 Petes

TFC: May I interrupt briefly?

Reginald: Please.

TFC: How the f&%k does half the Pete’s starting team suddenly grow red crosses on a Thursday?

Reginald [shaking his little whip]: Random punishment, TFC.

TFC: Well f#%k me.

Reginald: On the numbers, the Pete’s are the better team. They have scored 87 more points than the Chompers and have a better record despite having nearly 60 more points scored against them. The Chompers Cam Newton is on Bye. This looks like the Petes all the way.

But you know what? My little magic pixie whip has the final say, and my whip likes the Chips. A lot. So I’m picking the upset. Go Chips go!

[Reginald smiles at TFC] I guess that wraps it up.

TFC: You know, Reginald, you did a great job and I owe you an apology. Can I buy you a drink?

Reginald: Yes, can we share Pink Ladies?

TFC: We can share anything you like. In a glass, that is.

Reginald: Take my paw. Let’s skip!

TFC: Okay. If we must.

“The Dance of the Dryads” for Fuboozers Football | TFC 2012 Week 5

Welcome to Week 5, AWFL fans. What an exciting week for football we’ve had. Unbelievable wins. Devastating losses. Boasting. Despair. Passion. And yours truly, back from hell and hosting the show once again!

For that, I have to thank my main man, Dante Alighieri, who plucked me out of hell at first light EST. (The Seal-Team-Six-in-Hell thing only works on Sundays, apparently.) Dante, you totally rock!

Dante: Zitto stronzo e pagare il conto.

TFC: Ah, beg pardon?

[Dante hands TFC an invoice and frowns.]

TFC: Oh, yeah, a bill. Well look at that. Yikes! The Dante ain’t cheap. Good thing the League pays for all my column-related expenses.

[The Commish pops up in a chat window. “TFC is an independent contractor for the League. His agreement with us does not contain an indemnification clause and explicitly states that he is responsible for all expenses related to the production of the column.” The window disappears.]

TFC: F*%king lawyers.

Dante: Che cossa ha detto?

TFC: The Commish says he’ll cut the check Monday. All right, let’s get right to it!

[A shirtless Fuboozer strolls onto stage followed by Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. Keith is on guitar, Mick plays harmonica. Fuboozer sings:]

I’m a man!
I’m a rollin’ stone.
I’m a man!
I got the AWFL throne.

[Fuboozer, Richards, and Jagger leave again.]

TFC: Wow, that was kinda impressive. Okay, Dante, are you going to talk football in English?

[Dante shakes his head.]

TFC: Okay, good thing I have a back up. Get in here Obama!

Obama off-stage: Do I have to?

TFC: Shut up and get in here.

[Obama appears reluctantly, sits in the chair Dante vacates, and looks sullen.]

TFC: We’re gonna get it going with…

Chip Chompers (1-3) vs Spicy Snakes (1-3)
Guru: Chompers 59-56

TFC: Let’s hear it for the Snakes! After weeks of lameness, floundering, and ineptitude, they rose up like Romney and slapped the holy crap out the Thunder, beating them 79 to 50. At least the Thunder threw a few punches back, which is more than I can say for you, Barack.

[Obama shrugs and mutters statistics about the number of new permits for wind turbines granted in Iowa during his presidency.]

TFC: Powerful rebuttal. This week, the Snakes play the Chompers, who lost 46-44 to the Muskrats after Ogletree failed to score any points during what has to be one of the most enjoyable Dallas Cowboy losses in recent memory, unless you are Les Hommes de Chomp.

Guru’s giving the edge to the Chompers, but TFC is going with The Snakes. We think McCoy is going to have a tough week against the Pittsburgh D for the Munchies, while The Falcons and Roddy White will run all the Redskins. Go Snakes!

Muskrats (4-0) vs Wranglers (1-3)
Guru: Muskrats 66-57

TFC: The Mighty Muskrats got lucky and stayed perfect while the Lone Star Wrangers played huge and got their first win. Big congrats to the Wranglers for an impressive 72-67 victory over a very good Rebels team.

Guru is giving the game to the Muskrats based on their strong, consistent scoring and the Wranglers weakness at TE. Moeaki has yet to do anything this year and the Chiefs play Baltimore.

With the Cowboys on Bye Week, we don’t see a good flex option for the Wranglers. But if he gets lucky with a waiver wire replacement for Moesucki, TFC thinks his Texans will blow away a demoralized Jets Defense, score a ton, and give him a second W. Get to work Wranglers! Anything to add, Obama?

Obama: No. I’ll just let you do all the talking.

TFC: That sure has worked like gangbusters for you lately.

Fuboozers (3-1) vs Team Big Government (3-1)
Guru: Team Big G 66-65

TFC: This match-up features two powerhouse teams who…

[Nine dryads in the merest of sheer, see-through gossamer shifts dance onto stage, line up, and sing:]

He’s a man!
He’s a rollin’ stone.
He’s a man!
He’s got the biggest…

TFC: Woah, hey! Let’s hear it for these girls! Aren’t they great? You can catch them this week at The Rainbow Room. [TFC grabs his head and mutters.] Oh I am in SO much trouble with Mrs. TFC. [Your host releases his head.] Did you see that Obama?

[The president appears to be taking notes and not listening.]

TFC: Okay, well big props to Fuboozers whose Bears D cranked open a 23-point can of whoop-ass on the Cowboys, held the Aces QB and kicker to a mere 9 points, and advanced to 3-1 while keeping the Aces the only winless team in the League. Ba. Da. Bing.

Meanwhile, the playoff-bound Team Big G spanked Team Barbecue 72-60, proving that some effete liberal types actually know how to bring the hurt when it counts.

This is a red-hot match-up but TFC believes, knows that the stronger Team G line-up will get them one step closer to the playoffs Week 5.

Team Barbecue (1-3) vs The Chilly Willys (4-0)
Guru: The Willys 63-55

Like the Muskrats, the League’s other perfect team, The Willys got lucky Week 4 with a 45 to 36 victory over the Vader Raiders, who were the Grand Duke of Suckingham for the last round of contests.

The Willys are favored to win by the Gurutron this week, even with a predicted zero out of the injured Kenny Britt, and TFC has to agree. The top of Team BBQ’s line-up is strong, but they got problems after the 1-2-3 and they really are going to have to find a replacement for the Jets Defense.

So we think The Willys will keep rolling. It sure is going to hurt when they lose to Team Big G in the playoffs.

The Aces (0-4) vs The Petes (2-2)
Guru: The Petes 76-61

While TFC was in hell, The Aces played a WR and their kicker and scored just 7 points, which makes this prediction a little easier, but hey … TFC was in hell.

Anyhow, the football gods must have taken their eye off the ball Week 4 because the Petes beat the Handsome Guys 61 to 55 (The Guys made if awfully close on Monday night) and handed Les Beaux Boyz their first loss.

We’re afraid to make anymore comment, because the Aces really do deserve a win, the Petes don’t want to tempt fate, and any predictions either way might look like TFC trying to evoke the TFC Whammy in favor of one team or another, and unpredictably bring down the wrath of the gods on someone’s head for some reason. So in the spirit of dickless equivocation, we’re gonna turn this one over to Obama. Take it away Barack.

Obama: I can see reasons why either the Aces or the Petes might win or lose.

TFC: Care to share?

Obama: Not really.

The Thunder (2-2) vs The Handsome Guys (3-1)
Guru: The Guys 74-63

TFC: We have lots of sympathy for the Thunder. With Stafford on Bye, the Thunder had to choose between Bradford and a banged-up Sanchez. We sure wouldn’t have bet Bradford would score 11 against the Cardinals, but he did. And now that score is gonna sit there and mock us all weekend.

Meanwhile, the Guys are locked, loaded, and ready to fire up on whoever is next because (once again) they lost to the Petes. In fact, a quick check of League records by TFC revealed that it is now 4 years running that the Handsome Ones have fallen to the little red evil devil dudes in their head-to-head.

To assuage their pain, TFC predicts they will beat the Thunder and move to 4-1. We also offer this special guest perspective. Take it away Mindy!

[A girl scout walks onto stage and confronts the president.]

Girl Scout: Why do you hate Thin Mints so much Mr. President?

Obama: But I’ve been buying Thin Mints from you every day the last 18 months!

Girl Scout: Mr. President, you’re entitled to your own house, and your own airplane, but not your own facts.

[Obama talks about the organic arugula farmers who benefited from his economic stimulus bill while the Girl Scout beats him. The Secret Service stand around looking unconcerned. Mindy’s little sister, dressed in a Brownie dress and beanie, shows up with one of those Nerf guns that looks like a bazooka and riddles the president’s body with little foam disks while shouting “I’m Al Qaeda, I’m Al Qaeda!” The president falls to the ground and lies there, trying to act aloof.]

TFC: Jesus, and I didn’t think you could make the people who supported you look like bigger idiots.

[The girls leave.]

Obama: Aren’t you going to organize the community to help me?

TFC: No, get off my stage.

[The president crawls off.]

The Rebels (2-2) vs The Raiders (1-3)
Guru: The Raiders 75-70

The grand old man of the League just look old last week, scoring 36 points and losing to a very beatable Willys team. The Rebels scored 67 and lost to the roaring Wranglers. So, both these teams are looking to get back on track today.

Guru is predicting a Raiders victory by anticipating a monster game from Ryan against the Redskins and the Giants taking the Browns to town. TFC is inclined to agree. This match-up looks to be the high-scoring shoot-out Game of the Week. But we think the Rebels take another tough loss.

Okay, football fans, that’s it. Now TFC is going to celebrate his new lease on life! [TFC looks off stage.] Say, Fuboozers, could you spare me one or two of those dryads? What’s that? Oh. Okay. Never mind.

Guess I’ll go get a Dr. Pepper. Not really the same thing, though.

The Devil to Pay for Fantasy Football Hubris | TFC 2012 Week 4

As the lights come up at Studio TFC, a handsome man with fire-engine-red skin and horns is seen sitting in the guest host chair. The man twirls a pitch-fork in his left hand and sips what appears to be a Cosmo with his right.

TFC is seated behind his desk, engulfed in black hellish flames, writhing in agony. Behind The Devil and TFC appear a group of scowling, shadowy figures.

TFC: Help me, Clarence! I want to score again. I want to score again.

The Devil: The Jimmy Stewart routine isn’t going to save you. Please resign yourself to your fate like a man.

TFC: But I didn’t know. Really!

The Devil: I’m afraid that detail is irrelevant.

TFC: Could we at least turn off the flames until the interview is over?

The Devil: Of course. [The Devil snaps his fingers and the flames disappear.]

TFC: Phew, that’s better. Say who are those people behind me?

The Devil: “The Jury of the Briefly Successful, Then Eternally Sucking.” They are here to judge your case.

TFC: Crap. I’m doomed.

The Devil: That’s the idea, in essence.

TFC: Perhaps we should discuss football first?

The Devil: Please.

The Chilly Willys (3-0) at The Darth Vader Raiders (1-2)

Guru: 68-67 The Willys

TFC: The Willys are the League’s most consistent scorer and has a perfect record. Griffin is rocking, Rice is rolling, Johnson is jumping, and everything is going The Willys’ way. We suggest The Willys trade Vick to someone gullible …

[The Devil looks at TFC pointedly.]

… before he’s completely beaten to death by Andy Reid’s play-calling and the general ineffectiveness of the Philadelphia line.

The Devil: I concur. Your analysis of The Willys’ success is sound.

TFC: Dude, do you know you talk like Team Big Government when he’s expounding on … well, when is Team Big Government not expounding?

The Devil: Yes, I am cognizant of the similarity. Meditate on for whom Team Big Government labors.

TFC: Ah. You?

The Devil: Exactly.

TFC: The Raiders’ Matt Ryan is currently the top scoring player in the League, but injuries to Bradshaw and to Hernandez, right after the Raiders got him in the Ryan trade, don’t help.

Guru is giving the nod by an inch to The Willys and we can’t do much but agree. The Raiders have a big gun but they are a little short on bullets. What do you think, Red Man?

The Devil: It would be unsporting for me to offer an opinion as I control the outcome of all sporting events that are concerned with gambling.

TFC: Gotcha. Why don’t you take the next one?

The Four Aces (2-1) at The Spicy Snakes (0-3)

Guru: 71-68 The Spicy Snakes

The Devil: The Aces are good enough to be 2-1 and my chosen instrument for the destruction of The Petes, whose grotesque misery will be epic this season.

TFC: Bless you for your mercy.

The Devil: I always care well for those who serve me with humility, and clearly I care for The Aces because they are matched against the hapless Snakes this week.

The Snakes had a horrid Week 1, a decent Week 2, a mediocre Week 3, and absolutely no luck during any of them. How to diagnose their case?

They don’t deserve their suffering like The Petes. Perhaps they asked for it by taking Chris Johnson or buying dinged up players like Hakeem Nicks? In any case, the Snakes didn’t have the best draft and they certainly haven’t caught any breaks since.

Assuming The Aces get a Bye Week replacement for the Steelers D, I think The Aces roll the Snakes into road-kill Week 4. How was that for an attempt at the vernacular?

The Peach State Rebels (2-1) at Lone Star Wranglers (0-3)

Guru: 80-61 Rebels

TFC: Well, if pocket gophers or kangaroo mice can run fast in groups and cause destruction, then I guess the Wranglers still deserves to brag about their stampedes. But with total points near the bottom of the League, a 0-3 record, and a banged up Schaub, perhaps it is time to look for a new name? The Arkansas Wimpies, maybe?

The Devil: A gratuitous introduction. Do you have anything of substance to say?

TFC: The outlook for the Wranglers Week 4 ain’t good. The Rebels got big rocks, they’ve been scoring good, and we like their match-ups. Think Vernon Davis is smiling about playing against a Jets D that has lost Revis for the season. We do.

The Devil: I’m sorry about Revis, but I needed to make of Ryan a special example. He talks even more than The Petes, but wins less. I’m sorry for it. His father served me well in Philly.

TFC: Guru has The Rebels by nearly 20 and despite the fact Guru is right about as often as your average commentator or MSNBC, we agree.

The Muskrats (3-0) at The Chip Chompers (1-2)

Guru: 65-60 Muskrats

TFC: We notice that the teams we picked to suck at the beginning of the season are 3-0. Is this a coincidence?

The Devil: Not at all. It was a subtle hint to The Petes to change their ways before it was too late. The wages of hubris. The Petes’ arrogant belief they could see the future, or that past performance predicted future results. And so on. Alas, The Petes did not take the hint.

TFC: The Muskrats have consistently scored in the mid to high 50s and earned themselves a sparkling 3-0 record. They may not have a team full of stars, but they are playing like it.

Their usual roster of good QBs is also serving them well, with Flacco playing Cleveland on the Sunday Big Ben’s got his Bye. TFC thinks Week 4 is looking strong for the Muskrats.

Things ain’t so bright over in Chip-land.

The Chompers were part of the Week 3 Triumvirate of Sucking – The Petes were the Caesar of Sucking, which makes The Chompers Marc Antony, we guess, and Rolling Thunder Pompey.

Anyhow. On top of that sucking, The Chompers had to endure incredible replacement ref sucking which cost their beloved Packers a sucking win over sucking Seattle, but a sucking win is still a win, and the refs sucked it right out of The Packers’ cheesy hands.

We’d like to say things will be better Week 4 for The Chompers in the AWFL League, but after two sub-par games in three weeks, and playing against the Atlanta D at the Georgia Dome, TFC ain’t sure if Newton can come through for Les Hommes de Chomp.

Plus, since f*%king Andy Reid doesn’t know how to call the f*%king running game to save his f*%king life, and since Vick can’t hold on to the ball long enough to get from one end of Chickie’s & Pete’s to the other, much less from the 20 to the goal line, we think all The Chips will get from McCoy is a TD and a few points on yards, and that ain’t enough.

The Devil: I concur. The win goes to the Muskrats. I found the local Philly references you added delightful.

The Petes (1-2) at The Handsome Guys (3-0)

Guru: 75-67 The Petes

TFC: I guess we should talk about me now?

The Devil: Yes please.

TFC: Is this the place where, if I collapse into a pathetic heap of abject regret, you’ll go easy on me?

The Devil: There is nothing you can do to ease your suffering. You can exacerbate your woe depending on how you conduct yourself, however.

TFC: To those who don’t speak High Big Government-ish, “exacerbate” means “to make suck worse”.

The Devil: We from the infernal regions appreciate your point of clarification. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention you will particularly suffer this week because you dithered on the trades the Guys offered you and then did nothing.

TFC: What? Why do you favor the Guys?

The Devil: The Handsome Guys are top producers in my multi-level marketing company, “Amway for Evil”.

TFC: Sh#t. Okay, here goes. The Petes are going to lose in a humiliating blow-out. Replacement refs who sneak onto the field because they won’t go home will penalize Antonio Gates so heavily – AFTER he leaves the game with a season-ending injury – that The Chargers and The Petes will actually somehow score negative points, even though no such rule exists, because apparently none of the rules that do exist live in the minds of the sneaking replacement refs either, all of which will make The Petes regret they didn’t trade Gates to the Guys when they had the chance, and allowing the Guys to advance to 4-0 with a smile on their faces. How was that?

The Devil: You have not made your suffering suck worse.

Team Big Government (2-1) at Team Barbeque (1-2)

Guru: 72-63 Team Big G

TFC: I’d like to note we’ve show incredible faith in the ability of the playoff-bound Team Big G to win games, and Team G has not disappointed us. That counts for something right?

The Devil: I’m afraid it does not.

TFC: Well, we still believe in Team G and TFC is taking L’Equipe du G again We believe this is the week where the new Philip Rivers finally emerges, Megatron keeps it burning, and the other players produce like bulls.

Meanwhile, over at Team BBQ, Brady with stumble, McFadden will bumble, the Jets D will crumble, and Our Man in Vermont will be humbled. You can always count on the incredibly predictive power of alliteration.

The Devil: You’re running out of time and inspiration, aren’t you?

TFC: You know it!

Fuboozers (2-1) at Rolling Thunder (0-3)

Guru: 69-53 The Thunder

TFC: The Thunder are, by every measure, the League’s worse team, but they have a chance to take one from Fubo, who have watched RB Green do almost nothing and WR Bess do actually nothing for 3 weeks, and for whom Fubo has no viable replacements.

So TFC is going to take The Thunder to get in the groove and Fuboozers to come off the tracks, because someone needs to feel the redeeming mercy of a blessed Win this week and it show ain’t gonna be The Petes, who are beyond all redemption.

So what should Fubo do Week 4? Close their eyes and dream of a gazebo by a shimmering pond, on the edge of which Upstate New York dryads dance, the beads of water on their long, lithe bodies glowing like pearls, their breath perfumed with innocence, coming closer, closer, their voices murmuring and musical, all softness, all yielding, all …

The Devil [looking at TFC with a combination of horror, apprehension, and deep disgust]: Jesus! Do you do that a lot?

TFC: Do what?

The Devil: That highly disturbing sex novel narration thing. I mean, ew.

TFC: Oh. I see. Well. Kind of.

The Devil: I’m glad this is a one-week gig. Thunder wins. Boozers lose. Done. Let’s move to the Final Judgment.

TFC: Okay. [TFC looks into the burning eyes of “The Jury of the Briefly Successful, Then Eternally Sucking” and gives up all hope.] Can we skip the trial and just get on with it?

The Devil: Yes. Ambulate in a location posterior to my person.

TFC: Huh?

The Devil: Follow me.

The Grand Duke of Suckingham Is Dead | TFC 2012 Week 1

Welcome to the 2012 AWFL season! TFC is excited, once again, to have the opportunity to bless his readers with an unbeatable combination of insight, analysis, ad hominem attacks, unsubstantiated declarations, pure whimsy, biased political parody, obscure jokes only TFC thinks are funny, and random weird sh#t.

Let’s get it going with our traditional post-draft, pre-regular-season predictions, based on the total-point calculations of the infallible Guru-tron (as of September 2) plus the Guru’s Week 1 choices.

Because, you know, whether it is an algorithm declaring the global warming is inevitable or all risk has been eliminated from your bank’s investments, there’s no better way to pretend you can predict the future, and sucker some chump with a big wad of cash he keeps where is brain should be into paying you for it, than to put your hocus-pocus into numbers.

Excuse me. The Chompers want to whisper something to me. [TFC leans over until his ear is just off camera.] What’s that? I’m doing this for free? I’m the chump? Just get on with it?

Okay! Here we go.

The Evil Petes at The Red Hot Chilly Willys
(1,408 projected vs 1,145 projected)

Guru: Petes 76-60

The fearsome, League-champ Petes have the most predicted total team points. Which means exactly nothing. Unless The Petes arbitrage strategy of drafting solid at every position, and focusing on passing versus running, comes to fruition.

Meanwhile, what did The Willys do to piss off the Frog? How else can we explain The Willys’ quarterback position, where he has to choose between the dynamic but fragile Michael Vick versus the dynamic but untested RG3?

Maybe one will catch fire and make it easy for The Willys. But more likely The Willys will be flipping coins and lighting candles on Sunday morning – except for those six or seven starts when Vick is just plain old out.

Vick isn’t the only red cross + question mark in The Willys’ line-up. Britt and Johnson at WR could be a source of joy or suffering. Only the workhorse Ray Rice offers The Willys the rock-solid love fantasy fans crave.

Guru-tron is predicting a loss Week 1 and a long season for The Willys. TFC agrees.

Fuboozers at Chip Chompers
(1,109 projected vs 1,092 projected)

Guru: Chompers 79-73

The two teams with the lowest project totals play each other Week 1. But you know, these guys don’t look like the new Grand Dukes of Suckingham. They look like two Power Princes of the Pigskin.

Fuboozer’s got Brees at QB and Welker and Julio Jones at WR. The Chompers have the fireball Cam Newton slinging the ball, McCoy at RB, and Jennings at WR. The rest of their starters all have an air of fantasy respectability.

TFC thinks the projections for Fuboozer and the Chompers are affected by a weak bench, particularly at back-up QB, where the Chompers Matt Flynn isn’t currently starting for Seattle, and neither team has a third-stringer.

Some of that is fixable with luck on the waiver wire, but both Prince Charming (that’s Fuboozers) and Prince Alarming (the other guy) need to pray their starters stay healthy.

Fuboozer’s does look weak at RB, where he has a stable of players who run the gambit from banged up to just plain lousy. TFC wishes Prince Charming to win. But we think Prince Alarming will take Week 1.

Four Aces at Rolling Thunder
(1,264 projected vs 1,159 projected)

Guru: Thunder 74-63

The Guru-tron is down on The Aces, and the Guru-tron maybe has a circuit board to stand on, looking at most of The Ace Dudes’ running backs. A total of 2 points predicted among RBs Green-Ellis, Spiller, Blount, and Jacobs ain’t good. That’s a lot of potential nothing from four roster spots.

On the other hand, The Aces have also got Michael Turner, White and Nelson at WR, and a good-enough QB in Romo. So TFC is thinking we should give the Magic Eight Ball another shake before we come down on The Aces.

The Thunder look good on the field, but weak on the bench, which probably accounts for their low total of projected points for the year, but Guru’s prediction of an 11-point win this week.

Like the Power Princes of the Pigskin, TFC thinks The Thunder will need to stay healthy and make good waiver moves. Same for you Aces. Start scanning the free agents and plotting your moves.

Guru favors The Thunder and TFC grunts in agreement.

Spicy Snakes at The Handsome Guys
(1,208 projected vs 1,358 projected)

Guru: Handome Guys 61-60

The Guys have drafted The Petes one-two punch from last year – with Rodgers at QB and Peterson at RB – so we can we call them copy cats?

Not at all, because Les Hommes de Beaux have once again gambled on an injured superstar, something the bean-counting Petes would never do.

Last year, it was Peyton Manning. This year, the soon to be stunningly healthy Peterson, who is going to complement a strong Guys line-up and the best back-up QB in the League, Jay Cutler. (Yes, I know he’s let us down before. But this is the year!)

Unfortunately, TFC can’t feel the same enthusiasm for the newly-rebranded Snakes, who don’t have a clear #1 player at any position, but do have injuries and question marks up and down their roster, which is full of players who will either disappoint – leaving the scaly ones frustrated every week – or play up to their potential – leaving the Spicy Snakes with a weekly nightmare of coaching decisions.

Guru is predicting the Guys by a point. TFC is taking the Guys by six. Go Handsome Ones!

Lone Star Wranglers at Darth Vader Raiders
(1,166 projected vs 1,347 projected)

Guru: Raiders 73-61

TFC likes Wranglers’ Schaub and Foster, but the injuries to his Dallas receivers make us nervous, Redman is dinged, and Best is out for half a season at least. We think The Wranglers are going to need luck or some savvy waiver wire moves to put enough pieces together to compete.

The Raiders, on the other hand, look solid up and down the line. (TFC would say The Raiders look a lot like The Petes. Their owner would counter that The Petes look a lot like The Raiders.) We’ll see who is the real king of evil this season.

Guru is taking The Raiders Week 1 and TFC agrees, especially since Witten has been officially ruled out for the opener.

Team Barbecue at Peach State Rebels
(1,280 projected vs 1,363 projected)

Guru: Barbecue 75-72

The Rebels put the “stones” back in their peaches by going deep on Peyton Manning. But the 36-year-old Iron Man of the NFL only needs to be human for the Rebels to be a threat, with an “Avengers” team of WR and RB behind Manning playing for The Rebs plus TE Aaron Hernandez. The Peachies look ready to win.

Meanwhile, Team Barbecue also look decent, which is a disappointment to TFC, because we have to insult somebody when we run out of inspiration – a frequent occurrence – and we like to pick on someone we know. Oh well, let’s see who stumbles early, and we’ll kick ‘em while they’re down.

Guru likes the Barbecues. TFC is giving respect to the Rebels.

Team Big Government at Mighty Muskrats
(1,380 projected vs 1,259 projected)

Guru: Team Boig 72-55

The Grand Duke of Suckingham’s got Rivers, Lynch, Megatron, and Eric Decker, which means he’s gonna get another well-deserved, season-long Master Class in abuse from TFC.

What’s that you say? Team Big drafted a good team? Bah! We scoff at your so-called facts. We relieve ourselves on your so-called logic. TFC doesn’t let piddling things like facts tell us what to think. No, TFC is a free and independent intellect.

Our magic mental powers make our reality, while the rest of you pathetic wretches wallow in you freakish ignorance. You’ll see. We warned you! We are buying uninsured beach-front property with basements and time-shares on flood plains. We’ll be laughing all the way to our government-guaranteed, tax-free bank accounts while you starve slowly on the streets. Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho!

Where am I? Jesus. That is definitely the last time I go to Lollapalooza with the Chompers. I’m still having flashbacks.

Ah, so maybe Team Big has built a strong team despite paying $38.00 for Megatron and generally failing to project an air of confidence and preparation at the draft.

This is more than TFC can say for the Muskrats, who entirely lack big-time players except for Graham at TE. At least the Muskrats got the kicker and defense they wanted. We’re sure that will be a great consolation.

Guru is picking Team Big to annihilate the Muskrats and so is TFC. Even better, we think Team Big will go roaring into the playoffs this year.

That’s right, TFC is officially declaring that The G is now “The Divine Sultan of Kicking-Your-Assing-Ham.”